>>Valley Patriot>>


Thinking INSIDE the Box
A Candid Interview with Hillary Rodam Clinton
Dr. Chuck Ormsby

Recently, presidential hopeful Rodham-Clinton’s campaign staff accepted my request for an interview with the candidate. The interview was recorded, but, after the interview was completed, my dog ate the tape.  Shortly thereafter, my dog died. His last words were, “That was hard to swallow.” I couldn’t have expressed it better.

This is my best recollection of the interview.

Interviewer: Good evening, Ms. Rodham.

Ms. Rodham: It was, until my handlers told me they had accepted this interview with The Valley Patriot.

Interviewer: Why would that upset you? Don’t you like our newspaper?

Ms. Rodham: Of course I like it! That’s why I’m a subscriber. Unfortunately, everyone likes The Valley Patriot. That is the problem.

Interviewer: We thank you for your support Ms. Rodham, but how is that a problem?

Ms. Rodham: Well, with Tom Duggan exposing government corruption and the failings of the mainstream media, and other columnists insisting that individuals actually have a right to their property and the right to defend themselves, how do you expect me to pull the wool over the voters’ eyes?

Interviewer: Why would you need to do that, Ms. Rodham?

Ms. Rodham: Because I need the voters to think … scratch that … I need the voters to believe that I really care about them.
Interviewer: Why don’t you want them to think ….

Ms. Rodham (interrupting): Because thinking is a waste of their time and just makes my job more difficult. You know what they say about trying to teach a pig to sing, don’t you? In any case, it is better for everyone if I just do the thinking for the voters.

Interviewer: You mean so they will just vote for you and you can be President?

Ms. Rodham: Well that’s part of it, but only the beginning.

Interviewer: How’s that?

Ms. Rodham: Look stupid … Can I call you that?

Interviewer: Sure, feel free.

Ms. Rodham (interrupting again): Just be quiet and listen. I’m very consistent on this matter. You see, we can’t run this country unless people follow orders. Things just can’t work by themselves you know! You need to have someone deciding things and then making damn sure that everybody does what we tell them.

Interviewer: But Adam Smith once wrote that …

Ms. Rodham: Enough of that BS! What did he know. That was over 200 years ago and, anyway, he was a foreigner.

Interviewer: So was Stalin …

Ms. Rodham: Is that a trick question?

Interviewer: Actually, it wasn’t a question. It was a …

Ms. Rodham: Is this an interview or an interrogation?

Interviewer (Ignoring the question): So, can you give me some examples of where people need to just follow orders?

Ms. Rodham: Now you’re talking my language! For example, if someone feels sick and needs a doctor’s care, we just can’t have that person and the doctor make arrangements on their own. Government forbid! That would lead to chaos! We need regulations on which doctors each patient can see, what de-grees they must have, how much they charge, how much the patients pay depen-ding on their income, when they pay, how much their employer pays, who bills for the service, what health codes are put on the form, who files the claim, the reports the patients receive for tax purposes, … It takes a village run by the government, you know, to make all this work.

Interviewer (laughing nervously): You’re kidding?

Ms. Rodham: Watch yourself. The last time a man laughed at me I kicked him in the …   (Cell phone rings)

Ms. Rodham: Hold on for a moment, my cell phone is ringing. Hello Darling.   … long pause ... No, I’ll be late. This interviewer is giving me a hard time. No, she’s not cute. In fact, it’s not a she! ...  That makes two of us, but I can’t talk about that now ….. I love you too darling. Goodbye.

Interviewer: Was that Mr. Bill?

Ms. Rodham: You figure it out. OK, where were we?

Interviewer: We were talking about government run healthcare.

Ms. Rodham: Well, you get the picture. Something as complicated as healthcare needs to be fully regulated or people won’t know what to do and it wouldn’t be fair.

Interviewer: I suppose that goes for just about everything from birth control, to wages, to retirement planning … from womb to tomb as they say!
Ms. Rodham: You guys at The Valley Patriot sure are sharp. Nothing gets by you!

Interviewer: OK, let’s talk about education.

Ms. Rodham: It’s for the children. Oh, sorry, it just blurted out.

Interviewer: Must have been the E-word.

Ms. Rodham: You know I have the full endorsement of the teachers unions and the government school administrators.

Interviewer: Is that because you love the children?

Ms. Rodham: Well, I guess you’re not so sharp after all. Look, you don’t expect me to make every itty-bitty decision about the schools by myself, do you? I need some loyal bureaucrats to tell everybody else what to do.

Interviewer: You wouldn’t need to do that if there were a lot of independent schools where people could decide for themselves …

Ms. Rodham (interrupting): There you go again! Were you listening? Nobody decides but me … and my guys. If people made their own decisions, there would be chaos. Central planning - government planning - that is the wave of the future.

Interviewer: So you don’t support food stamps?

Ms. Rodham: Of course I do, Stupid. What gave you the impression that I didn’t?

Interviewer: Well, food stamps are a government guarantee to the poor that they can go to the grocery store and use the stamps like money to buy the food they need.

Ms. Rodham: So what?

Interviewer: Well, that means they get to decide where to shop for food, when to shop, what food to buy, how much, and so on. Food stamps are very much like the proposed concept of Education Stamps, which would allow parents to make similar decisions in education.

Ms. Rodham: So it was a trap! You tricked me! You think you’re a smart a**, don’t you?

Interviewer: Just trying to make sense of your opposition, Ms. Rodham.

Ms. Rodham: Well, I’ll help you out. If the government ran the grocery stores, I’d be against food stamps too. We’ll get to that in my third term.
Interviewer: But I thought the Constitution …

Ms. Rodham: Don’t be quaint! The Constitution? You actually want to cite the Constitution! Listen, if I and my party can ignore the Second, Ninth, and Tenth Amendments to the Constitution, we sure as hell can ignore that other Amendment!

Interviewer: That would be the 22nd Amendment, Ms. Rodham. If you read it, you will find that it is very specific! “No person shall be elected to the office of the President more than twice …”

Ms. Rodham: Spare me. So what isn’t specific about the Tenth Amendment? “The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved for the States respectively, or to the people.” Heck, we don’t reserve hardly anything for the states. We just tell them what to do. Require seatbelts or lose federal high-way money. Obey No Child Left Behind or lose federal education funding. And you damn well better have enough wheel chair ramps or we’ll sue you’re a** from here to eternity. As for reserving any powers to the people … well, you can just forget about that!

Interviewer: So now I understand why you don’t want the voters to think for themselves.

Ms. Rodham: Well, Stupid, that took long enough to sink in. By the way, be careful about what you write. My people are watching …

Interviewer: Maybe they will learn something.

Ms. Rodham:  Keep that up and we’ll shut you down right after we deal with that Limbaugh problem.

Interviewer: But the First Amendment …

Ms. Rodham (getting up to leave and looking disgusted): Don’t you get it?

I think my dog got it. Apparently, it is lethal.


Dr. Ormsby is a member of the North  Andover School Committee. He is a graduate of Cornell and has a doctorate from MIT. You can contact Dr. Ormsby via email: ccormsby@comcast.net
 

 *Send your questions comments to ValleyPatriot@aol.com
The November 2007 Edition of the Valley Patriot
The Valley Patriot is a Monthly Publication.
All Contents (C) 2007
, Valley Patriot, Inc.
We publish 15,000 newspapers and distribute in Andover, North Andover,
Methuen, Haverhill, Chelmsford, Georgetown, Groveland, Boxford, Amesbury, Newburyport
Lawrence, Dracut, Tewksbury, Merrimack, Newburyport, Westford, Acton, and Lowell.
Hampton & Salisbury Beach,
(summers only)

Valley Patriot Archive

Valley Patriot Story
ARCHIVES

Prior Lead Stories

Prior Valley Patriot Editorials


Commonwealth Motors
Shop Us last... You'll Love us!

Prior Columns by ...
Tom Duggan
Dr. Chuck Ormsby
Paula Porten
Ralph Wilbur
Hanna
Ted Tripp

Valley Patriot of the Month

Griselsilva.com

Patrick Blanchette
D.J. Beauregard
Jim Cassidy
D.J. Deeb
Marcos Devers
Bob Desmarais
Regina Faticanti
Jim Fiorentini
Bill Kelly
Wilfredo Laboy
Peter Larocque
Vilma Lora
Ed Maguire
Billy Manzi
Paul Murano
Mark Palermo
Hartley Pleshaw
Debbie Quinn
Raise Em Right
Dr. Peary
Kathleen Corey Rahme
Barney Reilly
Angel Rivera
Jim Rurak
Grisel Silva
Mike Sullivan
Sandra Stotsky
Mike Sweeney
Ken Willette
Scott Wood
Jim Xenakis