THINKING
OUTSIDE THE BOX
Major Scientific
Breakthrough!!
New Human
Subspecies Identified: Homo Occupaduses
11-9-11
Dr. Charles Ormsby
For years they have lived among us. We
thought they were one of us. Certainly we
share a remarkably similar physiology. To
paraphrase Shakespeares Shylock,
If you prick them, do they not
bleed? If you tickle them, do they not
laugh? If you poison them, do they not
die?
They do not inhabit a different
geography, although we often wish they
did. They seem to thrive by living among
us; in fact, their very survival
apparently hinges on our presence.
Clearly, the geography they inhabit is
not their defining characteristic.
On the contrary, homo occupaduses are
distinguished from homo sapiens based on
their unique mode of survival. Instead of
using their brains to produce the goods
and services needed for survival, they
use their admittedly limited cranial
capacities to avoid work while extracting
the goods and services they need from
productive homo sapiens.
Clearly this qualifies them as a
subspecies based on an ecological
subdivision. If their distinctive means
of survival and their utter dependence on
the productivity of the remainder of
their species doesnt qualify them
for subspecies status, what does?
How was this breakthrough accomplished?
It might never have occurred if the
subspecies homo occupaduses had not made
a colossal mistake. The survival strategy
of this peculiar subspecies depends on
blending in and not being identified by
their host as parasites. But, fortunately
for the productive among us, a
particularly bold subgroup has recently
coalesced to demand we grant them a
greater bounty.
It is logical for parasites to be
attracted to hosts that possess the
greatest and most accessible store of the
loot they seek. One would expect homo
occupaduses to be attracted to large,
wealthy cities since they host the most
productive homo sapiens the
capitalists. Of all the worlds
cities, what city and section would
attract them the most? New York City and
Wall Street, naturally.
There you have it, the Wall Street
occupiers: Homo Occupaduses.
Now that we have discovered and isolated
this despicable subspecies, it is
possible to study them in greater detail.
After several weeks of close scrutiny and
drawing on observations made over decades
prior to the actual identification of
this subspecies, thirteen secondary
characteristics, beyond the unifying
parasitic means of survival, have been
identified.
These thirteen characteristics are:
compulsive dishonesty, a pack mentality,
a preference for employing force instead
of persuasion, arrogance, a sense of
entitlement, slothfulness, short term
thinking, a hatred of private property,
an ignorance of history, hatred of the
U.S. and Israel, low IQ, the substitution
of screaming for rational discourse, and
body odor.
One occasionally encounters a member of
homo occupaduses that does not share all
thirteen of these characteristics, but
such encounters are rare like
finding a three-legged elephant.
If you think you have found an exception,
it is wise to investigate further. For
example, you might encounter a seemingly
intelligent member of homo occupaduses
but find out later that they were
routinely using a teleprompter.
Which brings us to the obvious policy
question: What should we do with them?
Clearly they should not be extended the
right to vote, especially on issues of
importance like taxation. Who in their
right mind would let mosquitoes vote on
how much blood should be extracted to
ensure that they are satiated? Should
they be allowed to live among us?
Obviously they are a threat to the well
being of all productive homo sapiens.
Maybe only those with a willing and
productive homo sapiens sponsor should be
allowed to remain. Without a consenting
sponsor, one that can produce the needed
goods and services for a homo occupaduses
survival, surely their survival will of
necessity be based on the theft of goods
and services from the unwilling. How, in
good conscience, can that be allowed?
The other reason that a willing homo
sapiens sponsor should be required is
that such a sponsor can insist on a
modicum of bodily hygiene; not to mention
insisting that the dependent homo
occupaduses perform some chores around
the house while acquiring a useful skill.
Who knows, it may be possible to actually
convert a few borderline occupaduses to
productive members of society (a highly
speculative conjecture for which there is
little reliable evidence, but further
research may be warranted).
While we are sorting out these policy
questions, I advise all homo sapiens to
avoid letting the occupaduses know we
have identified them. If they find out
that we are on to them, they will meld
back into polite society and resume the
covert tactics which have served them
well for so many generations.
Finally, if you know any homo
occupaduses, I suggest you buy them a
one-way ticket to Greece where they will
feel right at home with millions of other
homo occupaduses.
Dr.
Ormsby is an ex- member of the N.A.
School Committee. He is a graduate of
Cornell and has a doctorate from MIT. He
is currently a Professor of Mathematics
at UMASS, Lowell. You can email him at: ccormsby@comcast.net